Well lets just jump right in shall we?
I’ve had an extremely hard time with life as of late. I’ve been struggling to keep my head above water it seems, I finally reached out and started going to therapy. Its been a tremendous help with many many aspects of my life in just a very short time. I’m always very shocked at how much talking about shit makes it feel better. Well, how constructively talking about shit makes it better. The thing that’s been on my mind a lot lately is the bathroom and my comfort level in them.
A little over a year and a half ago I order my first binder with the hopes that I would be able to hide these giant fat flashing neon lights that protrude from my chest. When my binders arrived I remember putting them on and feeling so let down. My boobs were still there, only slightly smaller. I didn’t put much thought into this and instead of returning the binders, trying different sizes I thought, ehh At least I can fit into some shirts I couldn’t fit into before. Up until the past few months I’ve been very comfortable with my boobs. Many times I’ve been happy to have such a large chest, they were particularly helpful when entering the bathroom. I would puff up my chest and try to walk in bathrooms BOOBS OUT AND ABOUT as to avoid any uncomfortable misjudgments of a man being in the bathroom.
After an incident in a Colorado bathroom where a mother quickly sheltered her children from my sight, stood watch while I washed my hands, and then udder something under her breath about pedophiles in the bathroom as I left my brain decided that it was time to do something to help identify myself as a women. I came home from my trip and decided to get a tattoo right across the top of my cleavage; that’ll show em! I started to wear very low cut shirts as to say… SEE THESE, IT MEANS I BELONG IN HERE! Needless to say, I gained weight stopped wearing the low cut shirts and quickly fell prey to peoples ignorance every time I entered the bathroom.
One year during the 4th of July, I was with a group of friends at sugarhouse park. We had wondered over to Shopko to use the bathrooms. I walked in, sat down in the stall and begin my business. A few seconds later I hear the bathroom door open and a very timid voice say…”hhheeelllo, um, is their a man in the bathroom?” I couldn’t believe I sat there in silence. The ladies shoes appeared outside my bathroom stall, I am still peeing mind you. She says again “I’m sorry but you can’t be in here sir.” To which I reply “Oh, I was under the impression this was a women’s rest room.” By this time I’ve finished, and I’m starting to pull my pants up. The lady says, “oh I’m sorry and begins looking at the other stalls. “I heard that a man came in the bathroom, did anyone else come in with you?” I reply as I open the door, “nope just me, and the kids in the handicap stall at the end of the row.” When she sees me I can see the reality of what’s happened register on her face. She apologizes allot and then leaves the bathroom. I follow her out of the bathroom to find the father of these children standing there ready to kick whatever man that just went into the bathroom after his children’s ass. I look him in the eye and say, thanks, I’m pretty aware of what bathroom it is I need to use, I am not a man, next time don’t be so quick to judge. Then walk off. These are all pretty common occurrences when I use public restrooms.
Sometimes I’m super quick on the uptake, my brain sees a problem, and can think of a solution and possible out comes for those solutions. When it comes to myself though, my brain has a hard time understanding many things. For YEARS I couldn’t comprehend why I would be so hurt when one of my best friends would get a boyfriend and “leave me” for them. I would feel these extreme rages of jealous and always wonder, why the hell do I care so much? It wasn’t until I came out as a lesbian that things started to click in my head as to why I was feeling that way. The way I feel about my gender and body has been no different. Its like someone turned on a light and I can finally see all these obstacles I’ve been bumping into.
Because of everything and life, I’ve always been very uncomfortable looking at myself in the mirror. NO, matter how I felt about myself at the time, the image of myself was always so much harder to take, and yet I never truly understood why. SO, after almost two years of binding I recently took some time to see just how I looked when I would bind, and how I could possibly do that better and more comfortably. I think I’ve mastered a pretty good combination of binders, and boobsmashing to achieve a decent less feminine appearance to my chest. I can’t say I’ve mastered the comfort level as well as I have the appearance level, but I’m working on it.
Last weekend I went to the west valley swap meet, I strapped on my binders, threw on a baggy t –shirt and some shorts. I haven’t worn shorts in years, I’ll go into that in the future, but this is getting long and I’m not even half way. Bottom line of this outing, I felt incredibly wonderful. Dude, man, brother, even a sir fell from the lips of people that I interacted with in west valley. I felt more comfortable at the west valley swap meet then I have at any gay bar. NOT because it was west valley or because it was a swap meet, but because people weren’t looking at me and wondering is that a boy or a girl. It has short hair, but it has boobs… what strange anomaly of nature is this? In reality my world is much more complex then this, but this is how my brain reacted to what was happening.
Lets see if I can speed this up a little. That evening the need to purchase my first piss and packer overwhelmed me. My brain wouldn’t let me think of anything else. I kept thinking, I’ve got to do this, I can’t expect to keep binding like this and feel justified in using the women’s restroom. Aside from the panic I feel before entering due to potential run ins, I’ve never felt like I should be in the women’s bathroom, or locker room, or any other women only area. I’ve always had a feeling of, I shouldn’t be in here. SO, I did it, I bought my first piss and packer. However, this action has brought a whole slew of new fears. Do I really want to do this, do I really want to live like this. I know for now, I have never felt so comfortable with who I am and how I look then I did a few days ago at the swap meet.
I’m starting to realize and panic about the truth of my situation. The light has been turned on, I can see the obstacles that are in my way, I’m just afraid of the path I suppose. I started to realize over the past few days just how real this is all is. The reality that, my body and mind want to start to sync together. I’ve lived so long inside my head ignoring the reality of what I look like and accepting this body that I fell into a comfortable bubble of fear. I’m very afraid of my families reactions. When my mom found out that I was a lesbian I thought she would never talk to me again. Although she has grown incredibly since then, I still have a great number of fears about what she will say and do. I keep thinking if I can only hold on until my dad isn’t around anymore things will be so much easier, but fuck I feel horrible for even thinking that. So then for awhile I thought, maybe if I move out of the state I could start doing the things I need to do without them physically seeing what changes I’m making. This idea is also fading away more and more each day. I’m starting to be ok with the fact that its ok who I am, regardless of what my family thinks. I’m ok being me. I’m starting to feel a very large disconnect with who I was, along with my body. So I will end now as that was a lot, and I have some new things going threw my brain that I need to process!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
We are all enlisted!
I decided it was time for a new blog, so drum roll…… NEW BLOG!
What better way to start a new blog then to break down an LDS talk given by Elder Nelson on June 10th to a group of New England young adults, I wanted to shed some truth on a very large number of misrepresentations. You can find the full talk without my comments here. http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/59491/We-are-all-enlisted---Elder-Nelson-exhorts-young-adults-to-defend-faith.html Lets begin shall we.
"Theistic forces, be they Islamic, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant or Mormon, teach that there is an absolute right and wrong," he said. "Theistic forces have an ethic that reveres the righteous judgments of a loving God and obeys civil and divine law voluntarily.
"As a God-fearing person, you know that even if the police don't catch you if you were to steal, murder or commit adultery, these acts are wrong and God will ultimately hold you accountable. You know, just as your ancestors knew, that the consequences for not playing by the rules are not only temporal, but also eternal."
So you know, like how your sense of right and wrong, if you are a Catholic priest will stop you from molesting little deaf boys; Or if you are Islamic, your Theistic belief will grant you the permission to beat your wife into submission. Theistic forces will also help stop an LDS scout master from molesting boys in his scout troop. These are all examples of how theistic forces will give you moral strength to stand up for what’s right, when the fear of a law no longer resides inside of you.
The call for complete separation of church and state, Elder Nelson argued, would effectively destroy any theistic culture while giving atheistic forces free reign.
"If that happens," Elder Nelson warned, "the theistic and noble concept of freedom of religion could be twisted and turned to become an atheistic freedom from religion. Such an unbalanced policy could sweep out the theistic forces that have been responsible for our society's success, and leave the field wide open to atheistic ideology, secularism and huge losses for each of us."
Really what is being said here is, If religion is done away with it becomes increasingly harder to convince people via guilt and fear. Atheism is not unbalanced it’s a very balanced and scientific world we live in. “theistic forces that have been responsible for our society's success” Like when we believed black people were evil and less then so they had no rights; or communist, or Jews, or Gays, or any other minority / different culture through history.
To illustrate, Elder Nelson compared theistic and atheistic responses to current global economic crises. Blaming them on overpopulation of the earth, as some have done, comes from an atheistic mindset intent on attacking the family.
"In contrast," he said, "we as Latter-day Saints teach of the sanctity of life, the virtue of families and the truth of God's declaration that the earth has 'enough and to spare' (See Doctrine and Covenants 104:17). My counsel is that you put your trust in God. He has sent you to the earth to be happy. He wants you to love, to marry and to form families worthy of the blessing of His glory — that of eternal life."
First of all, I know many an atheist family, that has reproduced, intends to reproduce, and also values their family units. CRAZY I KNOW! We are not saying that reproduction should not occur, however, when you have people like the octomom, kate plus 8, and so on is this really Gods plan for your happiness? Its called moderation, along with the fact that the US has one of the Highest teen pregnancy rates in the world! This is due mostly to the theistic attitude of don’t teach them about sex because we must protect them. IF you still think the earth has enough to spare check out these little FACTS
• On average, one American consumes as much energy as
o 2 Japanese
o 6 Mexicans
o 13 Chinese
o 31 Indians
o 128 Bangladeshis
o 307 Tanzanians
o 370 Ethiopians
• Forty percent of births are unintended.
• Americans eat 815 billion calories of food each day - that's roughly 200 billion more than needed - enough to feed 80 million people.
• The average individual daily consumption of water is 159 gallons, while more than half the world's population lives on 25 gallons.
• Fifty percent of the wetlands, 90% of the northwestern old-growth forests, and 99% of the tall-grass prairie have been destroyed in the last 200 years.
• Eighty percent of the corn grown and 95% of the oats are fed to livestock.
• Fifty-six percent of available farmland is used for beef production.
• Every day an estimated nine square miles of rural land are lost to development.
• There are more shopping malls than high schools.
• 250 million people have died of hunger-related causes in the past quarter-century — roughly 10 million each year.
• Africa now produces 27% less food per capita than in 1964.
• It takes an average of 25 gallons of water to produce a pound of wheat in modern Western farming systems. It takes 5,214 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef.
These facts are from Paul Ehrilich a very noted American Biologist and educator.
Another atheistic force attacking the family is that of pornography. Elder Nelson spoke strongly on the need to avoid its "insidious grasp" at all costs.
"I plead with you dear brothers and sisters to shun pornography absolutely," he said. "It is as destructive as leprosy, as addictive as meth and as corrosive as lye."
Moral issues aside, as someone who has participated in both Meth and Porn, porn is NOT as addictive as Meth. However, I can see it being a destructive force in someone’s life, IF they have very strong theistic views. BUT that gets us into the psychology of guilt / fear based theistic views. If you are constantly telling someone they are evil then they start to believe that they are. Sex is not evil; curiosity about sex is not evil.
Elder Nelson further explained how atheistic principles have crept into debates on sensitive moral issues, such as same-gender marriage.
"If civil law were altered to recognize so-called 'same-gender' marriage, you as believers in God and as keepers of His commandments would be regarded as exceptions to the rule," Elder Nelson said. "Your conscientious convictions would be regarded as discriminatory.
So here Elder Nelson is telling members of the church if marriage is allowed between same gender individuals marriage between men and women would be an exception because their marriage is a union approved by God, an exception to the “rule” I would like to take the time to remind people that the commandments never mention marriage. Moving on, I’m still not entirely sure what Elder Nelson is going for here. It seems he is trying to tell people if same gender marriage is allowed, different gender marriage would be discriminatory. Do I really need to argue this?
"For example, if you were a Christian schoolteacher, you could be charged with bigotry for upholding the Lord's law of chastity. In truth, dear brothers and sisters, if you lose marriage, you also lose freedom of religion. Atheistic moral bedlam and religious repression go hand in hand."
Looks like it… has anyone noticed all the fear that’s being thrown around here? Fear is such an easy way to control people. These arguments are not based in any sort of FACT, they are all fear based. So lets say Sister Katherine is teaching the Lord’s law of chastity in her private catholic school. Well, considering it’s a Catholic private school and shouldn’t be government funded (hey this sounds oddly like that pesky atheist view of separation of church and state Elder Nelson wants to make sure doesn’t happen. I agree we should make sure that a private catholic school can no longer fall under exempt status when teaching curriculum in their schools. At least Elder Nelson and I agree on one thing.) In reality Sister Katherine has nothing to fear while teaching her outdated bigoted views, as long as she is teaching in a religious institution
This also brings me to the argument that if same gender marriage were allowed, churches would be forced to marry these hedonistic same gender individuals. I’m bet Elder Nelson simply forgot that many churches object to many different kinds of marriages, such as interfaith marriages, interracial marriages, the marriage of divorcees, etc. Currently there are NO LAWS anywhere in the United States that says a church MUST marry two people who enter their doors. Furthermore, a churches right to marry two individuals is just that a right. A church can deny marriage all they want without worries. Marriage is a civil right, not a religious right “ Most Atheist don’t care that you belong to a religion we just don’t want your religion forced upon us, can that really be considered Moral bedlam?
The rest of this talk was Elder Nelson closing statements so I just left them out. As someone who use to be a member of the LDS church it saddens me that the leaders of such potentially positive religion are so hate and fear filled. I have no problem with the teachings of any religion as long as they stay within that religion. When you start to use fear, make up “facts” that drive home your fear based teachings, which then effect me, that is what I have a problem with.
What better way to start a new blog then to break down an LDS talk given by Elder Nelson on June 10th to a group of New England young adults, I wanted to shed some truth on a very large number of misrepresentations. You can find the full talk without my comments here. http://www.ldschurchnews.com/articles/59491/We-are-all-enlisted---Elder-Nelson-exhorts-young-adults-to-defend-faith.html Lets begin shall we.
"Theistic forces, be they Islamic, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant or Mormon, teach that there is an absolute right and wrong," he said. "Theistic forces have an ethic that reveres the righteous judgments of a loving God and obeys civil and divine law voluntarily.
"As a God-fearing person, you know that even if the police don't catch you if you were to steal, murder or commit adultery, these acts are wrong and God will ultimately hold you accountable. You know, just as your ancestors knew, that the consequences for not playing by the rules are not only temporal, but also eternal."
So you know, like how your sense of right and wrong, if you are a Catholic priest will stop you from molesting little deaf boys; Or if you are Islamic, your Theistic belief will grant you the permission to beat your wife into submission. Theistic forces will also help stop an LDS scout master from molesting boys in his scout troop. These are all examples of how theistic forces will give you moral strength to stand up for what’s right, when the fear of a law no longer resides inside of you.
The call for complete separation of church and state, Elder Nelson argued, would effectively destroy any theistic culture while giving atheistic forces free reign.
"If that happens," Elder Nelson warned, "the theistic and noble concept of freedom of religion could be twisted and turned to become an atheistic freedom from religion. Such an unbalanced policy could sweep out the theistic forces that have been responsible for our society's success, and leave the field wide open to atheistic ideology, secularism and huge losses for each of us."
Really what is being said here is, If religion is done away with it becomes increasingly harder to convince people via guilt and fear. Atheism is not unbalanced it’s a very balanced and scientific world we live in. “theistic forces that have been responsible for our society's success” Like when we believed black people were evil and less then so they had no rights; or communist, or Jews, or Gays, or any other minority / different culture through history.
To illustrate, Elder Nelson compared theistic and atheistic responses to current global economic crises. Blaming them on overpopulation of the earth, as some have done, comes from an atheistic mindset intent on attacking the family.
"In contrast," he said, "we as Latter-day Saints teach of the sanctity of life, the virtue of families and the truth of God's declaration that the earth has 'enough and to spare' (See Doctrine and Covenants 104:17). My counsel is that you put your trust in God. He has sent you to the earth to be happy. He wants you to love, to marry and to form families worthy of the blessing of His glory — that of eternal life."
First of all, I know many an atheist family, that has reproduced, intends to reproduce, and also values their family units. CRAZY I KNOW! We are not saying that reproduction should not occur, however, when you have people like the octomom, kate plus 8, and so on is this really Gods plan for your happiness? Its called moderation, along with the fact that the US has one of the Highest teen pregnancy rates in the world! This is due mostly to the theistic attitude of don’t teach them about sex because we must protect them. IF you still think the earth has enough to spare check out these little FACTS
• On average, one American consumes as much energy as
o 2 Japanese
o 6 Mexicans
o 13 Chinese
o 31 Indians
o 128 Bangladeshis
o 307 Tanzanians
o 370 Ethiopians
• Forty percent of births are unintended.
• Americans eat 815 billion calories of food each day - that's roughly 200 billion more than needed - enough to feed 80 million people.
• The average individual daily consumption of water is 159 gallons, while more than half the world's population lives on 25 gallons.
• Fifty percent of the wetlands, 90% of the northwestern old-growth forests, and 99% of the tall-grass prairie have been destroyed in the last 200 years.
• Eighty percent of the corn grown and 95% of the oats are fed to livestock.
• Fifty-six percent of available farmland is used for beef production.
• Every day an estimated nine square miles of rural land are lost to development.
• There are more shopping malls than high schools.
• 250 million people have died of hunger-related causes in the past quarter-century — roughly 10 million each year.
• Africa now produces 27% less food per capita than in 1964.
• It takes an average of 25 gallons of water to produce a pound of wheat in modern Western farming systems. It takes 5,214 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef.
These facts are from Paul Ehrilich a very noted American Biologist and educator.
Another atheistic force attacking the family is that of pornography. Elder Nelson spoke strongly on the need to avoid its "insidious grasp" at all costs.
"I plead with you dear brothers and sisters to shun pornography absolutely," he said. "It is as destructive as leprosy, as addictive as meth and as corrosive as lye."
Moral issues aside, as someone who has participated in both Meth and Porn, porn is NOT as addictive as Meth. However, I can see it being a destructive force in someone’s life, IF they have very strong theistic views. BUT that gets us into the psychology of guilt / fear based theistic views. If you are constantly telling someone they are evil then they start to believe that they are. Sex is not evil; curiosity about sex is not evil.
Elder Nelson further explained how atheistic principles have crept into debates on sensitive moral issues, such as same-gender marriage.
"If civil law were altered to recognize so-called 'same-gender' marriage, you as believers in God and as keepers of His commandments would be regarded as exceptions to the rule," Elder Nelson said. "Your conscientious convictions would be regarded as discriminatory.
So here Elder Nelson is telling members of the church if marriage is allowed between same gender individuals marriage between men and women would be an exception because their marriage is a union approved by God, an exception to the “rule” I would like to take the time to remind people that the commandments never mention marriage. Moving on, I’m still not entirely sure what Elder Nelson is going for here. It seems he is trying to tell people if same gender marriage is allowed, different gender marriage would be discriminatory. Do I really need to argue this?
"For example, if you were a Christian schoolteacher, you could be charged with bigotry for upholding the Lord's law of chastity. In truth, dear brothers and sisters, if you lose marriage, you also lose freedom of religion. Atheistic moral bedlam and religious repression go hand in hand."
Looks like it… has anyone noticed all the fear that’s being thrown around here? Fear is such an easy way to control people. These arguments are not based in any sort of FACT, they are all fear based. So lets say Sister Katherine is teaching the Lord’s law of chastity in her private catholic school. Well, considering it’s a Catholic private school and shouldn’t be government funded (hey this sounds oddly like that pesky atheist view of separation of church and state Elder Nelson wants to make sure doesn’t happen. I agree we should make sure that a private catholic school can no longer fall under exempt status when teaching curriculum in their schools. At least Elder Nelson and I agree on one thing.) In reality Sister Katherine has nothing to fear while teaching her outdated bigoted views, as long as she is teaching in a religious institution
This also brings me to the argument that if same gender marriage were allowed, churches would be forced to marry these hedonistic same gender individuals. I’m bet Elder Nelson simply forgot that many churches object to many different kinds of marriages, such as interfaith marriages, interracial marriages, the marriage of divorcees, etc. Currently there are NO LAWS anywhere in the United States that says a church MUST marry two people who enter their doors. Furthermore, a churches right to marry two individuals is just that a right. A church can deny marriage all they want without worries. Marriage is a civil right, not a religious right “ Most Atheist don’t care that you belong to a religion we just don’t want your religion forced upon us, can that really be considered Moral bedlam?
The rest of this talk was Elder Nelson closing statements so I just left them out. As someone who use to be a member of the LDS church it saddens me that the leaders of such potentially positive religion are so hate and fear filled. I have no problem with the teachings of any religion as long as they stay within that religion. When you start to use fear, make up “facts” that drive home your fear based teachings, which then effect me, that is what I have a problem with.
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